disappointment? sad? i dont know.

post - #172
mood - ):

im sick.
once again.
hais.
but im getting better..
at least i hope i am.

i cried.
today.
again.
im sorry.
i swear.
i tried to control.
i really tried.
but they just flowed.
im so sorry.

im so sorry.
i didnt expect it to turn out like that.
i can feel your pain.
the pain in your words.
im so sorry that we disappointed you again&again.
things that we know we aint supposed to do but we did.
things that we were supposed to do but we didnt.
i know those hurt you alot.
it hurts me too,
seeing your heads hanging low,
hearing the change in tone when yall speak,
how yall look at us.
i dont know what to say.
except im sorry.

i know that having a few of us working hard isnt enough.
it never will be.
but.
at least, we are still trying.
we still cared.
we still bothered.
as long as theres that glimpse of hope,
we shouldnt give up.
because,
no matter what,
there are still a few of them working hard with us,
going through the hardship,
enduring the tough acts,
together.

however,
sometimes i feel contradicted.
i know i shouldnt give up.
because they are behind me,
pushing me along,
never leaving me behind.
they are the reason for my ever-lasting passion.
but to think that there are still those who dont give a damn.
it makes me ponder,
why are we volunteering, giving our best when they dont give a damn?
is it even worth it?
after thinking for long enough,
i convinced myself that it is indeed worth it.
just because im an rvnp cadet,
just because i have my enthu squadmates who are trying as hard as me,
just because i have those not-so-enthu squadmates who need our constant reminder to remind them to buck up.
just because of all that i know,
i couldnt give up.
i shouldnt.
i just needed to keep going.
no matter what happens,
no matter how bad things were,
i just needed to persevere.
i had to believe that one day,
one fine day,
they will understand, they will grow, they will mature, they will find their passion.
thats all.

listening to your words,
i wonder,
are we really that bad?
are we failing that badly as a squad?
am i failing that badly as an rvnp cadet?
am i even worth to be one?
i dont know.
but i guess everyone can be a proud cadet of rvnp,
it just depends on whether we want to be or not.
it just depends on the amount of effort we put in.
it just depends on how much passion we have.

your words pricked my heart.
it was saddening of course.
cant deny that.
but i just had to say that yall were right.
we had the potential,
just that we aint putting enough effort.
just not enough to be better,
to improve,
to be bonded.
i guess it takes time.
for the mindset to change, for the attitude to change.
it was hurting to hear that you said yall waited but we didnt grow,
we didnt improve, instead we deproved.
but it was all true.
we just needed more time.
more time to show that we can do it,
we can improve as a squad, as one bangbangsquad.
i dont know what else to say,
except that im sorry.
i really am.

when u patted my head,
the tears were going to roll down my cheeks,
but i bit my lips, controlling it.
i told myself that i shouldnt cry.
i should be strong,
i didnt want to break down infront of yall.
i didnt want yall to be more disappointed, or even further saddened by us.
im sorry.
i really dont know what else to say,
except that, im sorry.

just now when she talked to me on the bus ride home,
i didnt feel the sharp pain that i thought i would.
it was just this emptiness.
i wanted to scream but no sound came out.
i wanted to cry but no tears flowed.
i was wondering,
what was happening?
how could i stay that calm?
that wasnt what i thought i would be.
i dont know what's happening.
that emptiness.
its freaking me out.
someone tell me what to do?
someone.
help me please.

im sorry i cant promise that we'll change alot,
we'll mature very soon,
we'll be a great squad in a short period of time.
its not that its not going to come true.
it just isnt going to be that fast.
i just dont like to break promises.
its just.
saddening.
im really sorry.

i dont know if i should say this but.
our squad actually tends to prefer praisings than scoldings.
im not trying to be 'duh-isnt-that-obvious?'
but scoldings dont really work on us.
the more scoldings we received,
the more rebellious some of us will get.
but praisings work perfectly on us.
not that im trying to say that we deserved to be praised.
but its just how i felt.
im sorry if this is offensive.
im sorry.

before i end this,
i still want to encourage you guys.
enough of all those cheer-ups, smile stuff.
we just have to give our best shot next tuesday.
its our last chance.
come on peeps.
i know we can do it,
as one bangbangsquad,
as one rvnp.
as us.
just because tears aint going to help,
lets all dry our tears and work hard together.
let us stand by each other in this tough time.
let us support each other and jiayou together.
to make them proud, to make ourselves proud.
to make it as one squad.

to jingxian - thanks for everything. i know what you've said were true. im sorry i couldnt speak much just now, but yes, i really do cherish you dear squadmate. lets jiayou together. please do not blame yourself, its not your fault, we just needed to do a little more.
to eelin - thanks for that shoulder and all. i really appreciate all that you've done. please do not say that you aint fit to cry. you are fit, just because you acknowledge your love for our squad, our unit, and of course, as our squadmate.
to ongmin - i know you are sad yourself. thanks for all the things you've done. you've been a really great squadmate. please speak your mind, whatever you wanted to say. dont keep it to yourself yea? we'll be glad to hear from you, if you wanted to say. anytime you can talk to me if you want, i'll more than glad. because i treasure you, my squadmate.
to kuanyuan - i dont know if its sad. maybe its a portion of it. its just this emptiness.

something random before i sign off.
i promise that i'll be strong.
i wont cry that much anymore.
i wont break down that easily.
i wont give up easily.
because i know you guys are worth it.
because you guys are there for me.
because you guys are my squadmates.

always there for you guys too;
wenting